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When they asked me to write on being healthy and law school, I thought it was going to be as hard as being healthy in law school. Look, I can write on opposites: law school and happiness; law and morality; legal careers and freedom. Polarity unites. But law and health � they’re not even opposites. They just can’t be brought together. It’s like Henry Kissinger and a vegan porn star. But, as in law school, intuition and reality soon part. Turns out health can be achieved in law school through the bifurcated process of: what you don’t do and what you do do. WHAT YOU DON’T DO Do not get drunk as much as law school facilitates. I know that in order to register for classes, you are required to prove at least one hangover so severe you woke up still drunk. But resist — alcohol is as fattening as drinking the extract of the skin you peel off your chicken. Besides, law school should only harden your soul, not your liver. Do not get stressed into smoking as much as law school facilitates. Before long, every 10-minute break between classes translates to a cigarette break. Bad sign: You smoke so much, you switch to smoking “lights” “because they’re healthier.” Worse sign: You smoke so much you light a new cigarette with your old cigarette. Worst sign: Neither bad sign nor worse sign disturbs you any longer. Do not lose sleep as much as law school facilitates. Missing sleep brings on a plethora of health issues: Your immune system slips by 40 percent, and now you’re sick even when you aren’t hung over or hacking out tar. Now you look like the toxic waste case you just finished working on. You try to redeem your physical attractiveness by working at the local strip joint, only to have the customers pay you to keep your clothes on. Finally, the stress accumulates and you aren’t a happy camper. And happiness is no small part of health. WHAT YOU DO DO Live the student life. While most of us stopped washing dishes in the shower and drinking straight from the bottle after college ended, it’s still true that adversity builds character. And the accrued toughness helps you get through three years of “The Bar is When?” without permanent scarring. Toughness also makes you all the less susceptible to the aforementioned health problems. Where once you whined, now you brag, “I got four whole hours of sleep last night — all at once!” You can become one of those freak-bots who smokes and still hits the gym — sometimes at the same time. “OK, two more reps and one more drag to go!” Date someone who has better hygiene, is more attractive and boasts a longer expected life span than you. After a while, albeit through osmosis or coercion (there is actually little difference), your better (and healthier) half will make sure that you: Shower every day, hit the gym and look good. After all, you are now getting some, and you cannot afford to lose any. Speaking of which … Get some. Actually, get a lot. Hoard up extras for winter. You’re getting it now; you may not be later. Sex allows for exercise and stress release and puts into perspective any hardships you may encounter. “Well, I got my first ulcer before my first final, but who cares? I’m getting some!” Remember that health is not a chore, but something that feels good. No hangovers, no wheezing, managed stress; lots of spankings and taking care of yourself; these are not just what you should do, but what you want. Go figure, my ex is a genius: “There are no shoulds. Do it because you want to.” So there you have it: Ignore your health, and you’ll ruin your life until, when you finally do bathe, you scrub cobwebs off your naughty parts. Or treat yourself right and find that, in addition to being as useful as invisible hands in a crowded singles bar, health can feel as good as what those invisible hands paw. Mitch Artman is a 1L at the University of California, Hastings. His e-mail address is [email protected]

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