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I made an important resolution in January. In an effort to keep up with government, industry, and lots of other folks who are in the know, I decisioned to nounize my action verbs. I decisioned this when I saw a McDonald’s ad for an “Arch Card,” which, for those of you not on a first-name basis with trans fat, is McDonald’s take on a rechargeable cash card that can be used to buy food under the Golden Arches. I was amazemented immediately by the card’s slogan: “Buy It! Charge It! Gift It!” Older readers may remember days gone by, when “gift” was but a lowly noun. Well, not anymore. If Ronald McDonald is nounizing, it must be pretty mainstream. I departured with an Arch Card to gift my son Sam with, and the resolve to twenty-first-century myself forthwith. And I’ve transitioned pretty well. Removaling an entire part of speech from your life is not a small decision, so I conversationed it with Sam. But he was only interested in who his soccer team would be versing in its first game. Readers not on the cutting edge of linguistic style may not be familiar with “versing.” As used in kids sports, when the schedule shows that it’s the Cowboys versus the Texans, the Cowboys are versing the Texans. Up-to-the-nanosecond legal usage: Brown v. Board of Education is so twentieth century. Brown is versing Board of Education now. When I realizationed that Sam was already nounizing, it confirmationed how prevalent this idea had become. And I transformationed with a newfound spirit. Where to begin? I resolutioned that I should interface with my staff immediately to information them about my decision, so I memorandumed them about it. My assistant e-mailed me her concerns, so we evaluationed our options carefully and conclusioned that we would partner in a program to implement nounization. What a difference. No longer do I say, “I took his deposition.” Now I say, “I depositioned him.” No longer will I be condemnationed to talk like some ordinary lawyer and utterance, “I tried the suit.” Now, cutting-edge legal linguist that I am, I can say, “I trialed that case.” Of course that won’t occasion very frequently, because more often, I’ll get to statement, “It was such a crummy case that the court summary judgmented it in my favor.” I will interrogatory opposing parties about who their experts are, PDF them my killer pleadings, and admission them into submission. The court will condemnation opposing counsel for unethics during pretrial discovery. If lawyers are unwilling to settle, I’ll first-chair them to death at trial. If the court doesn’t directed-verdict the matter, it will be submissioned to the jury, which will promptly decision the issues in my favor. Opposing counsel will have to find the stenographer who reportered it and priority their chances of success on appeal. As an alert reader can see, nounization goes far beyond and should not be confusioned with the older, twentieth-century concept of verbizing, which involvemented words such as target (targeting or targeted), priority (prioritize), gentrifying (used earlier), and other nouns that became verbs. Nounizers such as myself acceptance the importance of verbizing as the foundation for our deeper and more significant modernization (see, I just verbized again), but recognition that with the lightning speeds of the Internet and satellite radio and all of the passivity that has come with them, there simply is no need for action verbs anymore. Nonetheless, nounizing and verbizing can live together harmoniously, at least insofar as I can judgment it. People in government certainly are fluent in both. So there you have it: the end of action verbs as we knew them. And now, if you will excuse (that’s “excuse,” not “excuze”) me, I want to remote the TV on and enjoyment some real passivity.

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