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Advice to the Forlorn & Etc. If you haven’t been laid off lately, you will be soon. Law firms are chopping associates faster than you can say “ipso facto.” Fortunately, there will always be a market for the underskilled and overqualified. We have scoured the classifieds for your perfect match.
HELP WANTED PENCIL SHARPENER. Flextime okay. Must be able to use both manual and electric, and sharpen all #’s from 2 through H. Salary commensurate with grade. Submit application in graphite only.
YOU, A WELL-CREDENTIALED ASSOCIATE. Us, the largest manufacturer of plastic exhibit tabs. A match made in heaven.
EARN $2,250/WEEK FROM THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME. Sit on the couch all day and flip through thousands and thousands of pages of paper. Sound easy? It is! Call for more information. 555-1234.
PEKING DUCK. Also, Moo Goo Gai Pan. Sweet and Sour Pork. General Tso’s Chicken. Large project requires ability to work long hours and absorb body weight in peanut oil. No reasonable knowledge of Chinese takeout refused. Call Joe at Bob’s. 555-7438.
PIN DANCERS NEEDED. If you can fit, we’re hiring. Ability to split hairs a plus. Fax resume to 1-800-SOPHIST.
CLOCK WATCHER. Must be able to divide hour into six-minute increments and round to nearest tenth. Twenty-five-hour clock helpful, but not required. Will train on own equipment. Telephone, 24 hours a day, 1-800-CLK-WTCH.
HELP! We are a large foreign conglomerate that does not comprehend the allure of the collarless shirt or pleated chinos. We will pay TOP DOLLAR for anything approaching an explanation. Call 1-78-893-555555. Ask for Franz.
SEQUENTIAL NUMBER STAMPER. All prefixes welcome. E-mail resume to [email protected]
WANTED: LATIN PHRASEMONGER. Top dollar paid for obscure Latinate phrases. It’s Greek to us, but pure gold for you. Mail resume to Inter Alia, Rome, NY.
WANTED: NINETEEN YEARS OF EDUCATION AND NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT. This is not a joke. We can find something for you to do. How hard could it be? All those classes must have prepared you for something! Call your parents.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE TO GET YOUR SHOES SHINED? Then join our team of professionals. Also looking for person with knowledge of nearest dry cleaner and decent deli. Please contact Brenda.
SPELL CHECKER. Also, VeloBinder, coffee maker, and cell phone dialer. Dozens of entry-level service industry jobs requiring only admission to state bar. Sound incredible? It is! We’re only kidding!
BOOK DODGER, WASTEPAPER BASKET SHOOTER, KOOSH CRUSHER, FAKE DOG BARKER. None of these jobs are available, but if they were, you’d be perfect for them.
WE NEED PIZZA EATERS. Preference given to sausage and pepperoni lovers, but vegetarians also desired. Fax resume, writing sample, and list of references to 555-ZZAH.
SPEED DIALERS. Do you have what it takes? Let your fingers do the talking. And the conferencing, and the transferring, and the forwarding. Call *7 for more details.
HAVE AN AFFAIR with someone half your age. Or twice your age. Or exactly the same age. See them every day at work. Never speak with them again. This is a perfect opportunity for a self-starter. Please, no phone calls.
BRIEFCASE HOLDER. Temp to perm. In six months, possibility of promotion to coat hanger or chair adjuster. Call Jane at 555-2244. Leave message with hat size.
SHIT-TAKER. Also needed, grave digger. Part-time work for scapegoat and ass-kisser. Blow your resume this way.
STARRY-EYED OPTIMIST who believes hard work is rewarded and the cream will rise to the top. Sound familiar? Send $1,500 in unmarked twenties to Gail, PO Box 232, Hackensack, NJ.
LOOKING FOR YOUNG PERSON WITH KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO BLOW $25,000 BONUS IN ONE SHOPPING TRIP. I don’t know what to do with this extra cash that’s burning a hole in my pocket. If you have any experience wasting money that you didn’t really deserve in the first place, please call me. Alison (555-6666).

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