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Author’s note: This memo to Federal Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson from his law clerks was leaked to the press from undisclosed sources. Re: Consumer remedies against Microsoft ISSUE: Judge, you have asked us to explore whether the orders of this court sufficiently redress the harm Microsoft’s practices have inflicted on the public. This memo contains our conclusions. ANSWER: The briefs submitted by the parties have not adequately addressed the relief due individual purchasers of Microsoft products (IPOMPs). A canvass of the other law clerks, all of whom are IPOMPs (isn’t everybody? That was the point of this case, after all) has brought forth these end-user consumer-based remedies (EUCBRs). Our suggestion is that a ballot be sent to all IPOMPs so they can elect one (or more) of the following EUCBRs. IPOMP Remedy Ballot: I, the below signed end-user (BSEU), hereby declare that the remedy I desire to obtain some measure of satisfaction in my case against Microsoft is as follows (please mark one option with an “X”): 1. I want an Apology Mr. Gates is guilty. That was what this case was all about, and I knew that, everybody knew that. Now I want Mr. Gates to come to my house and say that he’s sorry. Just say that he’s sorry, that’s enough. 2. At least make Mr. Gates confess If Mr. Gates refuses to apologize, I want him to come to my house and at least confess he did it. Microsoft Windows has been one big Ponzi scheme to get people like me to upgrade, upgrade, upgrade. Just make Mr. Gates confess that was the plan all along. (Note to judge: Review the case law involving the other famous Bill for the court’s penetrating analysis of the differences among, inter alia, lies, confessions and apologies.) 3. I want my money back Microsoft did more than rip off big corporations, they ripped me off, too. I want my money back. (Note to judge: Should we require receipts?) 4. I want new music I’m sick of those insipid sound effects that come with Windows. I want some cool music. Please have Mr. Gates come to my home and show me how to replace those awful chimes with something I can get off Napster. (Note to judge: We should first check with court deciding Napster cases to determine whether this remedy is permitted.) 5. I want emotional satisfaction, that’s all. I understand that Microsoft and Mr. Gates will be appearing at a carnival near me this summer. The Microsoft pavilion will consist of a challenging-but- not-too-difficult (assuming no bugs) event, in which contestants will be given the chance to throw a baseball-sized “mouse” through a mock “window” at a distance of 300 megahertz. If the “mouse” breaks the “window,” causing it to “crash,” a bucket of water will pour over Mr. Gates’ head. Sign me up. (Note to judge: As long as the road show is conducted during the summer, and an argument can be made that the water relieves stifling heat, this should not run afoul of cruel-and-unusual punishment laws.) 6. Just give me my money back Just return my Mac, no questions asked. If you have to ask a question, you won’t understand the answer. (Note to judge: According to testimony in the suppressed underground findings of fact (SUFOF), Microsoft engineers were unsuccessful in distilling the essence of the Macintosh operating system when redesigning Windows. Mac users predicted this all along.) 7. I want to be like Bill I understand that this Court has determined that Mr. Gates’ mansion was built with funds illegally procured from honest working individuals like me. I, and other IPOMPs, elect to forgo the above options and choose instead to spend an all-expenses-paid weekend at Chez Gates, where Mr. Gates and his family will cater to our whims and where we can ask him whether he “does windows.”

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