Buoyed by the hilarious antics of Comic Relief, The Diary has decided the time has come to launch our own charitable campaign to rescue put-upon regional assistants from dodgy press releases.

In a move not surpassed since Rowe & Cohen sent out a jovial missive congratulating one of its own lawyers for getting off a 54mph speeding spree on a technicality, this week’s offender comes in the shape of Birmingham firm Heatons.