Attorney Dan Krisch
Attorney Dan Krisch ()

I’m imagining a “Night At My Office.” When I was young, I yearned to one day have a workspace like my father’s: walls and doors and nearly every other available flat surface decorated to the nines with objects de intelligentsia. But now that I have Henry-fied my office—hardly a square foot of bare wall or door to be found—sometimes I wonder what happens when I turn off the lights and depart for the night:

(Creaking and rustling sounds)

Churchill Lithograph: Let us hang so resolutely from these walls that if Goodwin Square should endure for a thousand years, memorabilia will still say, “This was their finest hour!”

College Diploma: Odgay amnday tiay, Instonway, oday ouyay avehay otay aysay hattay veryeay inglesay ightnay??!!?? Iay wearsay, fiay Iay ouldcay, Iay ouldway nockkay yselfmay ffoay hesetay allsway.

Law School Diploma: Okay, which one of you jokesters hung him upside down again?

College Diploma: Maay Iay psideuay ownday? Iay eltfay aay ittlelay izzyday, utbay Iay houghttay tiay asway ustjay hetay idesay ffectseay foay aay olumbiaCay ducationeay.

Law School Diploma: Didn’t you all read my cease-and-desist letter? That’s assault, intentional infliction of emotional distress …

Churchill Lithograph: You, sir, remind us all of the wise words of the Immortal Bard: the first thing we do, let’s … oh, bloody hell, never mind. (Lights a Cohiba and sips a scotch and soda.)

“Simpsons” Poster (in Homer’s voice): That’s the spirit, Churchy! To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems! MMMMMMM, problems … (drooling sounds).

Reproduction of Holbein’s Portrait of Thomas More: Does it not seem a touch odd, my Falstaffian friend, that you should, with such gleeful gluttony, seek to consume your troubles?

“Simpsons” Poster (in Homer’s voice): That who would do what now?

“Simpsons” Poster (in Lisa’s voice): Don’t bother, Mr. More. He didn’t understand half the words that you just used.

Dancing and Singing James Brown Doll: I feeeeeeeeeeeeel, good! Da-na-nah-na-naaaaaaaaaa (fading). Okay, hold it now, I gotta come clean. I don’t feel good. That bald idiot has had this baseball cap covering my face for more than two darn years. C’mon, man—Stevie Wonder was the blind one, not me! And just what the heeee-EELL is “The Wire” anyway??

Picture of My Wife (in my wife’s voice): Don’t get me started, JB; he’s obsessed with that show. Ever notice how some people—I’m not pointing any fingers—confuse an endless stream of quotes with actual wit?

Picture of My Wife (in my voice): Owww, why are you poking me?

Singing and Dancing James Brown Doll: Preach it, Sister Sophia! Tell it like it is!

Picture of My Wife (in my wife’s voice): And just how does someone who claims to have such a great sense of humor love Monty Python but hate “The Mindy Project”?

James Brown Doll: Testify!! That Mindy Kaling is a national treasure!

Picture of My Wife and I (in my voice): OK, clearly you need fresh batteries.

Charity Tournament Golf Trophies: And what the heck are we doing in his office? For a guy who almost never breaks 90, he sure takes an odd amount of pride in us. Maybe we’re meant to be an ironic statement?

“Peanuts” Poster (in Linus’ voice, looking up from patting birds on the head): I’ve always found it a little strange that you’re not more charitable. All you do is complain! It seems kind of mixed up.

Charity Golf Trophies: Well, he did win us … in a scramble.

“Peanuts” Poster (in unison): Grrrooooaaaaaaaannnn!

Magic Eight Ball (panicked): Quiet, guys! Signs point to yes that the janitor is coming!!!! Quiet down!!!

College Diploma: Elphay! Tillsay psideuay ownday! (Crashes to floor attempting to right itself.)

Dancing and Singing James Brown Doll (inching and swaying over): I got you! Whoa! You feel nice!

(Everything goes quiet) •