I also should note that a CDC supervisor commented, “And this is bad why?” in the margin of the memo.

But good, bad or indifferent, this nation is going to be ready. Just listen to what else the CDC memo says:

Recognizing the threat that BDS poses, the National Security Agency, acting under the authority provided by Congress in the post-9-11 resolutions, has instituted a BlackBerry surveillance program in which it monitors transmissions from Treos, PalmPilots and other non-infringing PDAs in an effort to locate terrorists who may be hoarding those devices in order to exacerbate the crisis.

Within hours after the BlackBerry devices go dark, Special Forces using Predator drones will conduct precision strikes to liberate the caches of stockpiled devices. We also are establishing a National Palm Pilot Reserve, from which we can release quantities of operational PDAs back into the community and so keep access manageable.

In an emergency, manufacture of PDAs in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, an area safe from IP lawyers, is under active consideration. In the event of continuing shortfalls, however, the Department of Homeland Security has authorized CDC and the BlackBerry Emergency Management Agency (BEMA) to take over drug rehabilitation centers and methadone clinics until a suitable therapeutic alternative can be found. At these clinics, BlackBerry-deprived addicts will be allowed limited weekly therapy in which they can use another PDA to prevent or minimize further withdrawal and permanent Level 4 SOTS.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I find all of this intensely comforting. It’s great to know that our government is actively out there preparing for this upcoming crisis for once. And I’d tell you more about how comforting it is, but I left my BlackBerry in the other room, and I’ve just got to nip in there for a minute to check my e-mails. See you at the clinic.

Tom Alleman, a shareholder in the environmental and insurance industry practice groups at Winstead Sechrest & Minick in Dallas, has named his BlackBerry, “My Precious,” which pretty much explains why his opinions aren’t necessarily those of the firm, its clients or Gollum.