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1. In your next meeting with the firm’s biggest client, wear your “Lawyers Do It for Billable Hours” T-shirt. 2. In the office elevator, loudly ask, “Who is this Rehnquist guy everyone keeps talking about?” 3. Bring your iPod to court, rock your head spasmodically to Slipknot, and when the firm’s top litigator tells you to remove your headphones, accuse him of being “old school.” 4. Display “Complex Litigation for Dummies” ostentatiously on your desk. 5. At your company’s annual retreat, go up to a senior partner of the opposite sex and say, “You know, I’m married, but I’m not married married.” 6. Defend a half-baked legal strategy of yours by saying, “Hey, it worked on ‘The Practice.’” 7. See how that Rolling Rock sign from your college dorm room looks on your office wall. 8. Send out the following mass e-mail to your firm’s managing director and to the partnership committee: “If anyone from the registrar’s office at Harvard Law School should call about ‘irregularities’ in my transcript, please disregard.” 9. “By mistake,” send an AmIHot.com photo of yourself, in a thong, through interoffice mail. 10. In the middle of a late-night work session on the night before a major trial, suddenly look up from a document, turn to a senior partner, and blurt out, “Dude! I totally think our client’s guilty!” Humorist Andy Borowitz (borowitzreport.com) contributes regularly to NPR and the New Yorker.

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