Paradigm Shift: Power-Lawyer Mom, Stay-at-Home Dad
The American Lawyer
By Vivia Chen
October 01, 2009
Barbara Becker, a partner at Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher in New York, is working late again. But she's not fretting about her four children waiting at home on the Upper West Side.
The reason she's so cool? Her husband, Chad Gallant, is taking care of the home front. "He's been Mr. Mom for seven years," says Becker blithely. "He's great at it, and it allows me to do my job."
In fact, Gallant--a former associate at Cravath, Swaine & Moore--has morphed into an über-dad, embarking on a series of projects that would put Martha Stewart to shame. Not only does he volunteer to run a robotics program at his kids' school, he also keeps bees at their country house, makes model rockets, and dreams up "interesting" math projects for his kids. And when he's by himself, he works out at the gym, cooks meals (he honed his skills at The French Culinary Institute in New York), and does the family's bookkeeping.
Gallant and Becker represent a new twist on a familiar model: hardworking breadwinner and supportive spouse. For all the talk about flextime, part-time, and other family-friendly policies, the reality is that big-law practice is an unforgiving profession, and a stay-at-home spouse provides some much-needed cushioning.
With recent layoffs in the legal sector, more female workers may be getting "the wife" they want. The U.S. Department of Labor's Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that men have been harder hit by layoffs: a 10 percent jobless rate for men, versus 7.6 percent for women.
But even before the economy soured, some women lawyers say that practicality dictated the arrangement. "From a salary-and-benefits point of view, it made sense for my husband to be the one to stay home," says Sandra Rodriguez, a partner at Vinson & Elkins in Austin and a mother of three. She says that her husband, who used to work in the auto industry, has been a full-time dad since the birth of their first child (now 11), when Rodriguez was a fourth-year associate. "The benefit is that it allowed me to focus on work and take my career in a different direction," she says, adding that she might not have continued to do trial work without her husband's support.
Gallant, who met his wife when both were students at New York University School of Law in the mid-eighties, says he's comfortable in the role of primary caregiver. He admits, though, that he might feel differently if he hadn't already proved his ability to provide, first at Cravath, then later by founding and selling an Internet start-up.
Of course, many stay-at-home dads were never in money-making fields. Marissa Wesely, a partner at Simpson Thacher & Bartlett, is married to a writer--one who does without Dan Brown-sized advances. Her husband, Fred Hamerman, assumed the role of primary caregiver until their child went to college three years ago. He says the discrepancy in their earning power was never an issue: "Marissa gets pleasure from my work, and she wanted me to be happy." Wesely, in turn, credits him with giving their daughter an idyllic childhood: "He'd get Emma up and lay out New Yorker cartoons for her to read while he made her a fabulous breakfast." Now that he has a job in the nonprofit sector, Wesely says, she misses having her husband at home: "You get very spoiled. When he went back to work, I realized nothing was getting done at home."
Still, the women interviewed for this article seem to participate in the household more than the stereotypical male breadwinner who stays above the domestic fray. Becker, for instance, shops for the kids' clothes. ("Barbara likes to do it," says Gallant. "I couldn't care less what they wear.") Wesely cooks dinner several times each week. Rodriguez says that she tries "not to take advantage of her husband by staying late at the office too often. I try to guard against the notion that I'm too busy to deal with the kids." And Laura Palma, an executive committee member at Simpson Thacher in New York, offers a feminist defense, albeit with a new twist. Her stay-at-home husband does have a job, she says, it's just that when "he goes to work, no one is paying him."
All very sensible and sensitive. So is having a stay-at-home husband the easy fix for women lawyers on the fast track? "I'm reluctant to hold myself out as a model," says Becker. "Most people don't have the luxury of a spouse who can stay home." Rodriguez warns that "if the husband is not committed to the idea, it could go sour very fast."
But is it also conceivable that some husbands, having tasted life on the other side, might lose their desire to go back to the daily grind? One partner at a big New York firm says her husband will return to work only when he finds "a really interesting job within easy commuting distance, where he could work 30 hours a week when the kids are in school." In other words, he's staying put.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK:
Is a stay-at-home spouse the key to success for women lawyers looking to advance in their careers?
