Big Law has been cutting the budget for months now and eliminating perks and former necessities in order to preserve the bottom line. This is completely acceptable, but of course Big Law must not admit these cost-cutting measures are motivated by economic factors.

Nope -- too smooth for that. Instead, Big Law is using the few employees left in the marketing department to craft creative and inspirational mass e-mails to disguise the harsh realities:

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To: All Big Law Staff and Attorneys
From: Big Law Committee on Hydration
Subject: Water -- The best beverage EVER

Effective July 1, Big Law will no longer be providing free fountain sodas and coffee in the break rooms. The firm's Committee on Hydration has decided that given the increased heat of the summer months in Atlanta, employees should be drinking more water instead of sodas and coffee, which do not quench thirst the same way as a nice, cold, tall, glass of Atlanta tap water.

To encourage your shift from soda/coffee to water, we have removed the fountain soda machines and added a credit card swipe machine to the side of the coffee maker. One cup of coffee will now cost you $2.00 -- if you bring your own mug. Thanks for your support of this hydration effort. Go H20!

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To: Big Law Staff and Attorneys
From: Big Law Green Team
Subject: Evil Styrofoam and Plastic

Effective Aug. 1, Big Law will no longer be supplying Styrofoam and plastic cups in the break room for your use. After decades of offering such items, we have suddenly had the realization that such a practice is wasteful and bad for the environment. So we ask that you bring your own mugs and water bottles to the office. Also, the price of bottled beverages, including water and soda, will be increased to discourage your use of such wasteful bottles. All bottled drinks will now be $5 each. Go Green Team!

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To: Summer Associates 2009
From: Big Law Summer Camp Committee
Subject: End of Summer Black-Tie Bash Converted to Pirate Putt Putt -- Come Aboard!

The Annual Big Law End of Summer Black-Tie Bash has been a tradition for many years. The surprise appearance of President George W. Bush at this event in 2006 was a delightful addition to the festivities. After last year's bash, the champagne fountain and custom designed fondue bar were written up in Atlanta magazine's Parties with Style section.

But this year, we did not feel it was appropriate to show off our success while so many others are suffering. So we have decided to cancel the event this year and to use our firm's economic stability for a higher purpose.

This year, we will throw an End of Summer Charity Mini Golf Tournament.

Please bring your putter and lucky ball out to Pirate's Cove -- "The Original Adventure Golf" -- off Interstate 85 at 5 p.m. this Saturday. Pirate's Cove was named "Best in Atlanta" by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. As the Web site beckons, "come aboard mates and immerse yourself in 18th century pirate lore -- amongst a backdrop of meandering streams, cascading waterfalls and manicured landscaping!"

The charity of choice will be Children's Health Care of Atlanta. We will have several children at the event to inspire your A-game. A donation will be made in the name of the winning team.

Because children will be in attendance, we will not be providing alcoholic beverages at this event. Instead, we will have Arnold Palmers (a mix of sweet iced tea and lemonade for those of you who may have missed that) and Pirate Punch (non-alcoholic). We will also provide chicken and hamburger sliders plus a potato chip bar complete with everything from plain old chips to Funyuns! And of course, Chips Ahoy cookies for dessert! Ahoy mates!

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To: All Employees
From: Big Law Heath and Fitness Committee
Subject: Your Heart

Studies show that walking improves heart health! We at Big Law want to encourage healthy lifestyles and strong hearts. In the spirit of improving your health, we will discontinue all free building parking.

If you still want to drive an automobile to the office, we will sell parking permits to lots eight to nine blocks away so that you all can get in a brisk walk before and after work.

But we also want to support balanced lifestyles. So now that you will be walking more we do not want you to take time away from family by working out at the firm's gym. We have decided to dismantle the gym and sell off all the equipment to our employees at fire-sale prices. That way you can walk on the treadmill at home while talking to your children!

The committee has been meeting for months to come up with these brilliant solutions to your health problems. We look forward to seeing the improvement in morale that we know these changes will bring. Healthy Hearts=Healthy Hugs!

FESS UP

Gosh, those marketing people are good at making Putt Putt sound like a good time. Much better than some stuffy black-tie event. You can always bring a flask to spike your Pirate Punch. And who needs parking, paper, pens or air conditioning?

I think it might be fun just to admit Big Law is acting responsibly and cutting out some of the silly excesses. Maybe we need to just embrace the need to save some cash.

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To: Big Law Employees
From: Big Law Committee on Solvency
Subject: Ensuring the Existence of the Firm

Who are we kidding? Profits are down, clients aren't paying bills and the economy still stinks. The partners at this firm expect a certain minimum level of compensation, or they will leave and take their business with them. We hastily raised associate salaries to unsustainable levels in a mad rash to follow the other firms. So now we will follow them and reduce salaries. Sorry about that. Who knew? At least you're still employed.

Until further notice, please work from home as much as possible and run up your own phone bill and electricity costs. And if you hated your job 14 months ago, but decided to stay because there is no where else to go, just tell us and we will pay you not to work.

For those of you who decide to stay, our traditional monthly firm happy hours will be replaced by monthly "Rent-a-Lawyer" auctions. We will invite clients to come in and bid on associates who billed fewer than 150 hours during the prior month for reduced rates. Highest bidder takes the associate off our hands, and we will pay the associate one-eighth of whatever the client is willing to pay for them. A win-win.

We are also launching a new section on our Intranet site called "How I saved the firm money," where you can post for all to see how you are making a positive impact on the bottom line. A few ideas: "I started writing on both sides of the page in my legal pads," "I buy my own coffee" and "I stopped making copies for my home owner's association on the firm's machines." Kudos!

Hopefully with these tweaks we can avoid shutting the mahogany doors for good. Chip in or get out people. Go team!

Do you have dirt to dish? Do you have a column idea? Or do you just need to vent in six-minute increments? E-mail the Snark at snarkatlanta@yahoo.com.