Big Firm lawyers are often described as being married to their jobs. Indeed, the journey through Biglaw employment is very similar to a long-term romantic relationship -- complete with infatuation, intrigue, disappointment, failed expectations, unexpected surprises and, sometimes, ugly breakups.

THE DATING GAME

Most courtships between Mega Firms and their lawyers begin the way two overorganized, professional people look for love and companionship: using a defined list of characteristics each wants in a mate. While there is no online dating tool for such matchmaking, there is Fall Recruiting, complete with on-campus interviews (speed dating) and candlelit callback dinners.

Big Firms can list what they are looking for: top-tier law school, wit, top-tier grades, charm, sophisticated good looks, law review membership, ambition and conformability.

And Cog candidates can choose to apply for interviews with the Big Firms that offer what they seek: stability, prestige, worldliness, wealth, sophistication, country club memberships and top-tier season ticket seats.

Of course, they can also meet each other through mutual friends -- also known as lateral recruiting -- "Lisa, I think you and Biglaw could be sooo happy together. You have the same 'old-world' tastes, love for the finer things in life, desire for global domination and resentment of small children. It's so perfect!"

THE INFATUATION PERIOD

Once you have found a Big Firm that reciprocates your affections, the infatuation period sets in -- also known as the summer associate phase. At this point you both have committed to giving the relationship a chance -- a six- to 10-week trial period. This phase is like the first few dates of any promising relationship -- you focus on the positive and are blinded by a giddy excitement fueled by fancy dinners and the luxuries of courtship.

Summer Associate: "OMG -- I cannot believe how much Biglaw and I have in common! We went to dinner at Taurus ('where Midtown meets Buckhead'), and Big Firm paid for an amazing meal -- complete with tuna tartar, filet mignon and squash soufflé -- to die for. And what great taste in wine! There is just something very sexy about a law firm with good taste in wine. We talked for hours about the opportunities for our budding relationship. Ahhh ..."

Big Firm: "Man, Summer Associate is so refreshing -- she is so excited about the simplest luxuries and eager to spend long hours with me. She is sooo impressed by my office space, sophisticated practice areas and international clients. She wants me!"

THE IMBALANCED STAGE

But after the courtship full of great dates to Jazz Night at the High and Willie Nelson concerts at Chastain, the Biglaw love affair transitions to the less comfortable, somewhat awkward stage where one party to the relationship seems more into the relationship than the other -- the phase where Big Firm starts to test the boundaries of the relationship. This occurs during the years of associate status -- the Cog phase.

Big Firm: "Cog is so lucky to be with me. I am so much more sophisticated than she will ever be, and there are a million other Cogs out there dying to be with me. And I am famous -- people know me. Who is she? She better step it up if she wants to continue to hang with me and my peeps."

Cog: "After two years in a committed relationship with Big Firm, I just feel like he doesn't listen to me anymore. He is all about his needs, but he never asks me what I want anymore. It's just become so routine -- bill, bill, bill. No more fine dining. No Paul Simon concerts. No flowers. Would he even care if I just left? What happened? I miss the good old days."

FISH OR CUT BAIT

Like many long-term relationships, at some point you must decide whether to take the plunge into marriage or give up and head your separate ways. Maybe one of those relationship saboteurs -- legal recruiters -- has lured away the Cog with promises of more concerts and dinners. Or maybe Biglaw has decided Cog is not worth all the luxuries lavished upon him and has cast him aside.

But if the Cog manages to survive into years seven and above, the "fish or cut bait" stage kicks in. The only problem with this phase is that Law Firms are very traditional in their approaches to relationships and marriage, and the Cog is at the mercy of the Firm.

It is not one of these modern relationships where both parties can decide whether they want to take the next step. It is totally up to Biglaw -- and he is not communicating what he is thinking. Poor Cog is completely in the dark and just has to wait patiently to see if Biglaw will "pop the question." Cog has spent her best years trying to get a commitment from Biglaw. She doesn't look quite as attractive to other suitors as she did two or three years ago. Now she is damaged goods. Having given her best Cog years to Biglaw, she must wait to see if Biglaw will commit to the long term. What anxiety!

Cog: "I don't even love him anymore, but at least I know his flaws. I am too old to 'get back out there.' I am comfortable with him. He is stable and provides a good life for me. I'll just have to show him I am worth the commitment! I will bill more hours!"

JUST MARRIED!

If you are lucky enough to one day get the big proposal and commitment from Biglaw to hit the married phase, you may enjoy a honeymoon phase of about one or two days when your love is rekindled, and you feel appreciated and valued. The security of the legally recognized union only lasts a little while -- until you realize that a Biglaw marriage is almost as likely to lead to divorce as any other marriage.

No matter how many years you remain a devoted spouse, nothing stops Biglaw from changing its mind about you and trading you out for a younger, sexier model. And it works both ways; you may realize that your old crotchety firm can't give you what you really need, so you leave for bigger and better things.

Biglaw divorces can be just as scandalous as a celebrity divorce. They can lead to highly publicized litigation, where each party is fighting over the assets. Who will get the kids, aka clients? Oh, the drama never stops!

Do you have dirt to dish? Do you have a column idea? Or do you just need to vent in six-minute increments? E-mail The Snark at snarkatlanta@yahoo.com.